March 6, 2001

I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born.

Isaiah 44:2

I know it is not 2001, however, this date has some significance to me and probably always will. March 6th will never pass on the calendar without creating a sad and heavy heart in me. This is the day that the little baby I was carrying inside me passed on. I carried this baby for three and a half months and loved her like every mother loves her unborn child. I heard her heartbeat, I saw her on the ultrasound and I never hurt so bad as the day that she was gone. For three and a half months I knew that I was carrying a baby that had very severe defects and if it was viable, we would be facing some serious complications. It was a very stressful three months not knowing what the future would hold for our family. I begged and pleaded with God every day to somehow fix it all. And He did. Although it hurt, I knew that there was a reason for my loss and I knew that it was all part of bigger picture that I may never understand.

The day is still very vivid in my mind. I won't go into the graphic details and I do hope that someday those details fade. But, the day ended with an emergency surgery, a ruptured fallopian tube, a destroyed ovary, massive hemmoraging and the loss of my little baby. Not only did I grieve the loss of the baby, but I also grieved the fact that I had probably also lost the ability to ever become pregnant again. Not something that had been easy for me even when I had all of my reproductive organs, it was probably out of the question now. I never asked, "why me", but instead I harbored this inner struggle and dark spot in my heart that I knew I would have until I felt my family was complete.

Trials are used to shape character in a person and in a family. And as Rick Warren states in "The Purpose Driven Life" (which I am reading for about the third time), the good news is that God never allows the tests you face to be greater than the grace He gives you to handle them.

After experiencing a painful loss, I have learned that the miracle of life truly is a miracle. And, I have never felt so blessed as each time that I have been chosen to be a child's mother. All three times....